I found I had to pick up a dictionary to gain a greater understanding about what I was reading since the bible we had used words like victuals and betrothed. These were words that were no longer used in everyday language in my neck of the woods. Not only did I begin to use a concordance, but also a bible dictionary for clarity. I needed more since it occurred to me, though the bible was “inspired of God” my dictionary told me that the word inspired did not mean what the preacher and Sunday school teachers alluded to.
Into the library is where went and I would spend quite hours over the next few years. I wanted to know who God was and where did he come from. Where did Jesus come from. And Mary, where did she come from. The answers I received were not satisfactory prior to emersing myself in learning what I believed. At the library I bumped into Joseph Campbell and the Golden Baugh. Then there was Sigmund Freud, the psycho analyst. Freud had a strong commentary about God, stating the God of the bible was only a desert mountain God worshipped by desert nomads, and that the people of the bible were simply nomads worshipping a tribal mountain God and we were only following their God. This information threw me for a loop. I was a little distraught. I was now thinking I was only worshipping some tribal God from nomads and not the God of he universe. I could never reveal this to my parents. I couldn’t disclose the distress I was feeling from learning all this.
For a short while I felt lost. Felt that somehow I had made a mistake. The mistake was believing so deeply in God, and now finding out the God we worshipped on Sunday was no greater than the Egyptian’s God Moses had defeated. Then, I discovered that Moses was not a name, but a title. This was almost too much for a 19 year old. I felt I had to keep studying, I had to keep going. It was not only the opinion of Freud that caused the mental trauma, but a culmination of all the things I had been reading.
Surely, there had to be some truth in the God I so believe and trusted. I had felt this spirit move in me. I had seen the work of God in my life, so I know it was true, so I HAD to keep studying. Eventually, after studying further, studying books written my Jewish Rabbis, and authors and academics like Cheik Anta Diop, Richard Friedman, Irving M. Zeitlin and Dr. Ben Jochonan I was able to fully rise again in greater knowledge, understanding and belief. George G. M. James author of Stolen Legacy then put the icing on the cake.
No longer could I believe that Jesus was the only way. No longer could I accept the dogma that all one has to do to evade punishment for all the wrong they’ve done was to “confess Christ” and all would be forgiven and they could live forever in heaven happily ever after. I knew from this point I could no longer call myself a Christian. I had now moved away from seeing only one way. I learned that God is one and many at the same time and could not be for only one group having created all. I could no longer call myself a Christian.