When I Was A Christian…III

I truly believed in the power of God through his son Jesus. I, however, was not a bible thumper per se. I didn’t memorize chapters and verses. I didn’t praise the lord in every conversion, but I knew God was real and his son was our savior. But, I had to study. I had read and re-read a lot of the bible and discovering things that, even though I had read this verse or that chapter before it seems there was something new each time I read it.

I found I had to pick up a dictionary to gain a greater understanding about what I was reading since the bible we had used words like victuals and betrothed. These were words that were no longer used in everyday language in my neck of the woods. Not only did I begin to use a concordance, but also a bible dictionary for clarity. I needed more since it occurred to me, though the bible was “inspired of God” my dictionary told me that the word inspired did not mean what the preacher and Sunday school teachers alluded to.

Into the library is where went and I would spend quite hours over the next few years. I wanted to know who God was and where did he come from. Where did Jesus come from. And Mary, where did she come from. The answers I received were not satisfactory prior to emersing myself in learning what I believed. At the library I bumped into Joseph Campbell and the Golden Baugh. Then there was Sigmund Freud, the psycho analyst. Freud had a strong commentary about God, stating the God of the bible was only a desert mountain God worshipped by desert nomads, and that the people of the bible were simply nomads worshipping a tribal mountain God and we were only following their God. This information threw me for a loop. I was a little distraught. I was now thinking I was only worshipping some tribal God from nomads and not the God of he universe. I could never reveal this to my parents. I couldn’t disclose the distress I was feeling from learning all this.

For a short while I felt lost. Felt that somehow I had made a mistake. The mistake was believing so deeply in God, and now finding out the God we worshipped on Sunday was no greater than the Egyptian’s God Moses had defeated. Then, I discovered that Moses was not a name, but a title. This was almost too much for a 19 year old. I felt I had to keep studying, I had to keep going. It was not only the opinion of Freud that caused the mental trauma, but a culmination of all the things I had been reading.

Surely, there had to be some truth in the God I so believe and trusted. I had felt this spirit move in me. I had seen the work of God in my life, so I know it was true, so I HAD to keep studying. Eventually, after studying further, studying books written my Jewish Rabbis, and authors and academics like Cheik Anta Diop, Richard Friedman, Irving M. Zeitlin and Dr. Ben Jochonan I was able to fully rise again in greater knowledge, understanding and belief. George G. M. James author of Stolen Legacy then put the icing on the cake.

No longer could I believe that Jesus was the only way. No longer could I accept the dogma that all one has to do to evade punishment for all the wrong they’ve done was to “confess Christ” and all would be forgiven and they could live forever in heaven happily ever after. I knew from this point I could no longer call myself a Christian. I had now moved away from seeing only one way. I learned that God is one and many at the same time and could not be for only one group having created all.  I could no longer call myself a Christian.


7 comments on “When I Was A Christian…III

  1. This was probably the must most saddening post I’ve read. I understand your doubt and frustration about believing in God. It’s tough to get the story straight when everything and everyone around you is screaming contradictory things. I’ve been there. When I was 16, I was walking that line of leaving the God I’ve know my whole life behind. I had this disconnect with the stories of the Bible with my life. I would hear all of my other friends’ religions and opinions on God, and that started my doubt towards God. Where was he in my life?

    At the time I’ve battled with depression most of my life. As I turned myself away from God I felt myself fall deeper into overwhelming solitude. Depression can be a tricky thing. Many times it can be caused by a traumatic event, but in my case it was self inflicted. I liked it. It was familiar. No risk. No hurt. and no life.

    After almost two years of living like a dead man, God started stirring up a desire to seek him. After high school, I spent two years, studying him. I took classes. I memorized scripture. I got a mentor and some friends from church where I could ask questions. I fell in love with God again.

    During that time of pursuing God again, I learned many invaluable principals. I learned that if I was going to learn and study about God, what better source than God himself?

    If I wanted to get to know you, I wouldn’t ask other people about you. I would ask you, and spend time with you, and discover your passions and desires by becoming your friend. In the same way we should be asking God to reveal himself to us.

    I’ve learned that the Bible does a lot more explaining than we might think. The whole Bible is about Jesus. Oh how I love Jesus. We see in Genesis how God created everything “good” and man screwed it up. God came up with a plan to save his creation. The plan is simply explained in John 3:16. Though it’s a staple verse for most christians, it’s still one of my favorites. God was so in love with us that he choose to sacrifice everything he had, which was himself, to save us, the one’s that messed it up in the first place. That is the true story of grace. No one in my life who has claimed they love me has ever done this for me other than Jesus. Jesus is the only way. He lived the perfect life that Adam couldn’t, that we might be made righteous in God’s Eyes.

    Look at what the Bible teaches. Don’t be swayed by others’ interpretations. Continue to study just the Bible. What is the overall message of the Bible? What does it offer? Compare it to what others’ interpretations offer?

    For the sake of brevity, I’ll sum up my thoughts. I understand that things can get confusing, but following God and him being my best friend and savior is amazing. I don’t have a “Blind Faith” as most people may think christians have. Just like you have said, I have seen God’s power in my life too. He took me out of depression, and now almost 10 years later I have not dealt with it. I have seen many miracles of people standing up out of wheelchairs and sickness like cancer cured form prayer. God is not a created being. God is not distant. He is involved and loves his people. I encourage you to go back to your first love. I will be praying for you. You can count on that.

    – Juan

  2. I could have written this post myself. “God is one and many at the same time and could not be for only one group having created all.” Such a true statement that really resonates with me. It was difficult though, realizing I wasn’t a Christian anymore. It’s what I had always know. What I grew up in. It was really scary to leave it. But you just have to be true to yourself and what you have come to know from your own experience and research.

  3. @Juan, first off thanks for coming by. I hope you visit again. I think what often happens to many who remain Christian, display the thought that Christianity and God are one in the same. I ascertained this from you comment. That somehow by me no longer claiming Christianity, that I no longer believe in God. I submit to you, that I am stronger than ever in my understanding of Spirit, as God IS Spirit. I am much stronger in my understanding and overstanding in Love, as God IS Love. I could never give up on Spirit or Love, but Christianity I had to relinquish.
    By letting go of Christianity I was free to infuse myself the God depper than ever before.
    Juan this statement by you alone should cause you to quake “Jesus is the only way.”
    You should take note and be very very clear, that Jesus was NEVER a Christian.

    Saludos hermano!

  4. Chi-Chi, you are so right and correct about leaving Christianity. It was not an easy thing. It was what I knew and grew up with the same as you. I knew no other way. I was never harmed in the church physically or mentally like so many others that quit Christianity.
    I did what the bible instructed, to shew thyself approved unto the Lord. The more I read the more I came to understand and in some instances I came to overstand. So, to withdraw from Christianity without the prodding of pain of injury by the church made this very difficult.

    Peace queen.

  5. Amenta,
    Thanks for the response back and for the clarification. Since you are still intensionally pursuing God, I would like to challenge you and ask you to ponder a few things. First, yes God is Spirit, but I would encourage you that not every spirit is God. There are good and evil spirits.
    “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” -1 John 4:1
    As I read in a few of your other posts, you have been interested and intrigued about witchcraft. I would like to passionately warn you not to continue down that path. That is NOT of God. You will be opening the door for so much torment, pain, and possible eternal separation from God. To pursue and practice witchcraft would be to actively rebel against God. Please, I beg of you to repent and turn away from it.
    Secondly, I never heard anyone say Jesus was a “Christian.” The term “Christian” means “Christlike, follow OF Christ, a disciple of Christ, and owned by Christ.” When you really look at scripture you see that it’s all about Jesus! The OT is filled with prophecies of his coming. The NT records, his coming and again foretells of his second and final return. It’s all about Jesus. Jesus claims he is the Son of God. He claims the only way to the Father(God) is through him. He simplifies it in John 17, when he says that eternal life is knowing God and Jesus. If you reject the term”Christianity” and “Jesus as the only way to the Father,” then all you are left with are lies, lesser gods, torment, and ultimately, eternal suffering in hell.
    Spiritualism and good deeds are not going to get you kudos in Heaven. I would not wish eternity in hell for anyone. At the risk of sounding like a “close-minded Christian”, Jesus is the only way. There is no other way, only death. I have tasted and seen the goodness of God, I pray you do too and never let go of him.
    God Bless,

  6. You’ll come full circle, and thats the path some of us must take.

    God threw us for a loop when He gave us the Free Will to choose Him. I have found that His gift of Free Will is so profound as to be almost unfathomable.

    “…God you want me to believe in You, but You in creating me didn’t put that in me automatically? You gifted me with choice? But if I don’t choose You, I’ll have so much pain with no relief! How cruel of You God! Where is the remedy?” Psalm 19 1:6, The Message Bible.

    “OK God, I DID make the wrong choice, I didn’t choose You, my life is a living hell, but help me back to Your HOLY presence, that I’m not cast away from You eternally for my wrong choice!!! Help me God!!! Do not despise me for my not choosing You! I understand that You cannot debase Yourself and leave Your Holiness to reach down and uplift me, You’d no longer be a HOLY God! What am I to do!?

    Your love for me knows no bounds, because You fashioned Yourself into the form of man in the person of Jesus—the God-Man! Fully human and Fully divine, God! You created a bridge back to Your Holy presence in the form of Jesus!!! But again you left the choice to me to believe that Jesus is the way!! You have given me a great responsibility, fraught with dangers because there are so many around me who lie about You, who confuse me with their lies!! How am I to wade through all of this madness and stay connected with You?

    Prayer! Communion with You! Praising You! Singing Your Praises! Confessing Your Goodness, Your Godness! Is that all it takes? Initially, then, I must deepen my walk with You, and understand who Jesus is and what He has done for me. (deep study of the book of Romans) I must believe and trust You because it’s beyond my ability to comprehend with my limited intellectuality!!! After all if I could understand You in Your entirety, then You wouldn’t BE God, I would!!!

    Our way to God is through Jesus, and we must believe, which leaves us floating only for a while. God will grab ahold of us if we do our part to reach out to Him.
    Jesus is the way, and we have to dismiss ALL to believe Him, even our understanding of fairness and political correctness. (Proverb 3:5-6) This was hardest for me, since I am well read just like you Amenta! well not as well read as you! 😉

    You have to dismiss the unfairness of man, those who do wrong in Jesus name, those who teach other ways without having bad intentions, those who do so with bad intentions. Those who believe other ways who are good people, those who believe other ways and are bad people.
    All of these things can stand in your way to receiving God with all your heart.
    It’s all very dependant on BELIEVING what Jesus said. Maybe that’s why God gave us the choice because it all seems so incredible.

    Peace my brother!!! (sorry for blowing up your blog with this long piece)

  7. LOL Anna Renee, thank you so much for coming by. Hey, feel free to blow up the spot.

    Peace, Sistar

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